I have that backwards, I know, but it feels quite apt at the moment.
No Help, No Hope
I’m glad there’s been a lot of talk this past week about the state of mental health services. The reason it was brought to the front page is beyond horrific, but maybe some change will come out of this terrible tragedy. And it’s not just the United States who are guilty of such deplorable services- It’s everywhere. After the week/month/year I’ve had I think I’m qualified to make this assertion.
December
How? Seriously, how is it December already?
There’s a lot of really positive things coming up, but being my anxiety ridden, lacking in confidence self, I’m finding it difficult to be happy about these things. I want to be thrilled, but there’s this voice in my head screaming a million reasons why I shouldn’t or can’t do things. It’s getting rather frustrating, to be honest.
TGIF
Not really. I just couldn’t think of a proper blog title!
It’s been a busy couple weeks ’round these parts! I started a(nother) new job. This one is far more interesting and exciting that the others though. I’m working at the Natural History Museum! It’s an incredible building, inside and out- Cathedral ceilings, towers, a 4 story escalator that ascends in to a planet. The museum houses 70 million or so artifacts in it’s massive collection. The job itself is nothing fancy- Typical guest services/retail stuff, but it’s not a call centre, which means it’s the first job to exceed my minimum expectations in London thus far!
It’s temporary work at the moment, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed that I can stay. I’ll have to wait and see!
What else?
Sally and I have started a new endeavor of anxiety blogging. Well, kind of. We’ve decided to start doing projects to help with our anxieties. Both to lessen them, and work through some of them. The idea is still in the works! This week, having found ourselves without Internet for 4 days, we decided to start crafting in the evenings. On the first night we made bracelets, and on the second, pastel drawings. The creations themselves were nothing to write home about, but we had fun!
There’s not much else new. My big excitement of today was finding Pantene curl conditioner in the pound shop. It’s not sold in the UK, so I bought 4 bottles. Whoo!
Regrets
So, as some of you may know my London planning has been on the rocks as of late. I’ve managed to get everything done that I needed to, but it’s cost me more money than anticipated. And by “more” I mean my entire savings fund to move. UGH.
As such, I’ve spent the past week debating whether or not to go as soon as planned. I still don’t have a flight, so it wouldn’t be a huge deal to push it back a few weeks. People have been giving me advice for days, and almost all are encouraging me to head over as planned.
I’m trying to make the decision of what to do based on practical, and not emotional, reasons. I’m way too anxious to make decisions based on my level of nerves! I’ve spent the past year living my life by the anxiety’s standards and it was terrible. I didn’t take advantage of so many opportunities put forth while in grad school. Hell, I barely socialized with people in class. I’m sure everyone thought I was a bitch, or weird, or just anti-social. I didn’t want to be, but I think I managed to be all those things. It felt like my panic attacks would last days and it just became so much easier to shut as much of the world out as possible on the days when I was actually able to face it.
I definitely regret how most of the past year went. And I don’t want to regret the next year too. I need to suck it up and just DO it. If it’s a disaster, so be it. When I think about not going to London I feel completely heartbroken, which sounds silly, but it’s true. I may move their a discover it’s completely wrong for me, sure. But I won’t know this unless I DO it.
I have a lot of regrets. But I also have a lot of amazing experiences that would never have happened if I’d never taken chances like this. Life is short and I’m sick of spending it cooped up in my room panicking about trivial things.
Sloane Square | Being Alive 