#worldIBDday

Okay, so yesterday was World IBD Day, but I didn’t get a chance to post…

For those who aren’t aware, IBD stands for Inflammatory Bowel Disease, a blanket term used for chronic auto-immune diseases that occur in the digestive tract. There are three forms of IBD: Crohn’s disease, Ulcerative colitis, and Indeterminate colitis. The main differences between the three are where in the tract the disease lives. Crohn’s can be active in the entire tract, colitis in the lower tract, and indeterminate is what happens when they can’t decide which of the first two you fall into.  I am one of 200,000 Canadians living with IBD, and since yesterday was about raising awareness I thought I’d take a minute to share my story.

It starts back in November 2001. I remember sitting in 10th grade English class when I first felt the pain in my stomach. I was 14 years old, and aside from being a little overweight had never had any health issues. The stomach ache continued for weeks, and when my mom took me to the doctor they said it was just nerves.

Over the next year and a half I became progressively sicker. By early 2003 the pain was debilitating. I dropped from 170 lbs to 115 lbs. My hair was falling out in clumps, my teeth were beginning to rot, and my eyesight was deteriorating. I slept nearly 20 hours a day. I had to go to the emergency room every other week to receive IV fluids because my body could no longer retain anything.

Ironically, with the weight loss, I’d frequently hear “Oh you lost weight! You look great!” because of course that’s what happens.

During 2002 the doctor tested me for numerous food intolerance’s. I spent 3 months off of dairy, 3 months off of gluten, 3 months off of sugar, but nothing made a difference. Stumped, my doctor sent me to McMaster to see a specialist.

In early 2003 I sat down with a pediatric gastroenterologist who asked me questions for about an hour. And at the end he said “you have either Crohn’s Disease or Ulcerative Colitis and we’ll do a test to find out which”. Those words meant nothing to me at the time, but he gave me some reading to do and the next week, at age 16, I had my first colonoscopy.

The specialist brought me back in a day or so after the scope to confirm that I did have Ulcerative Colitis and prescribe me Prednisone, explaining it’s long list of side effects. I went home, hopeful that this nightmare was over.

Unfortunately that wasn’t the case.

After a month of taking Prednisode with still worsening symptoms I was back at McMaster where I learned that my digestive system was so damaged that my body was simply unable to absorb anything I ingested. The only option would be to admit me to the hospital and be treated intravenously. I was admitted to the hospital and after about a week the stomach ache I’d had for 18 months eased up. For the first time in over a year I wasn’t rushing to the bathroom every hour. I was even able to look at food without becoming nauseous!

After several days of steady improvement I transitioned from IV to oral Prednisone and was released. There was nowhere to go but up!

Except, maybe… not quite?

Less than a week after being home I awoke in the middle of the night with severe chest pain and was rushed to the hospital. I was in the ICU for a few days, following a “cardiac event”, which I’d learn years later was a side effect of the Prednisone. It would be the first in a decade long struggle I’d have with treatment side effects.

You see, they don’t really know much about IBD. They know that for some unknown reason people’s immune systems rev up and begin to attack the digestive tract, but without knowing why, they don’t have many options to stop it. So the most common treatment is to suppress the immune system down to a level that it’s simply unable to attack. Great for ridding you of the pesky IBD symptoms, but horrible for helping your body fight literally anything else. As a result I caught every virus I came into contact with. And I’d not only catch every virus, I’d get way sicker than whoever I caught it from.

Living in a dorm during my first year of university and being in immunosuppressants was an especially bad combination. In the spring there was a virus going around residence that actually landed me in the hospital. I then caught another virus that was going around the hospital, which resulted in me being in a quarantined ward room of a foreign hospital. Fun times!

In 2013, nearly a decade after starting the immunosuppressants the ongoing cold I’d had all those years morphed into recurrent pneumonia. This ended up being a sign that the medication I was on had caused blood poisoning, and eventual septicemia, landing me once again in the hospital, followed by four months of bed rest. Because the only way to resolve the blood poisoning was to go off of the immunosuppressant (which, fun fact, contain classified carcinogens), wait, and hope the colitis didn’t relapse.

And then I got lucky. The toxicity passed and I didn’t relapse, and have not been on any UC meds since 2013. Over the last few months I’ve started having some minor symptoms, and am going for a scope tomorrow to see how things are looking. I don’t think my UC has relapsed, and hopefully I’m correct, but I also know that my string of good luck on that front is due to end sometime. Hopefully that sometime is not now, because I’m not going to lie, I’m terrified of having to go back on the meds…

Updated To Add:

No relapse!

Iceland!

I landed in Reykjavik on a damp and overcast Friday morning last September. The small airport was filled with friendly staff to direct visitors, and I easily found my way to luggage claim and out to the parking lot. I joined a group of fellow travellers in the rain, and we wearily awaited the complimentary shuttle that would take us to the rental car offices.

Aside from forgetting my bag on the bus, every step from departing the plane to sitting in my lovely bright red rental car was smooth sailing. It was only 7am, and I found myself with nearly eight hours free before Orla’s flight from London was due to land. I didn’t know what adventure awaited me, but I was excited for it.

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My first stop that morning was the Blue Lagoon Geothermal Spa. A major tourist hot spot, it’s a short 20 minute drive from the airport. I quickly adapted to the new vehicle and narrow roads, and found myself pulling into the car park in no time at all. The property was well signed, offered ample parking, and a beautiful entrance way.

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A side note for anyone who is simply planning a layover in Reykjavik and not intending to stay- If you are able to arrange a 6-10 hour layover, take the opportunity to visit Blue Lagoon. There are frequent buses going to and from the airport to the spa, and they offer complimentary luggage storage.

The entrance fee felt a little steep to a budget traveller like myself (about $90 CAD), but I’d heard such wonderful things that I knew it was a must-see. And, really, how often does one find themselves in Iceland and able to visit a geothermal hot spring? Plus, the entry fee gives the guest access to the spa for the entire day, meaning I could spend the morning there, go and pick up Orla from the airport, and then return on the same ticket.

I spent about three hours solo at Blue Lagoon in the morning. I enjoyed floating in the near-empty pool, a refreshing silica mud mask, a sit in both the sauna and steam bath, a stand under the waterfall, and then a chill out in one of their relaxation areas (where I taught a lovely gentleman from Chicago how to use his cell phone abroad).

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By late morning I decided that I’d had enough spa time and decided to spend a couple of hours exploring. I hopped in my rental car and drove about 100km east along the southern coast towards Sulfoss. The landscape was wonderfully dramatic, and I found myself pulling to the side of the road every few minutes to get photos.

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After a couple of hours I headed back towards the airport and awaited Orla’s arrival. We hadn’t seen one another in about two years, so after a short reunion hug at the Arrivals gate we headed to the car and made our way back to Blue Lagoon. We spent hours and hours sitting in the pool, catching up, and people watching. By the time we emerged it was getting dark and our legs felt like they weighed 500 lbs!

From Blue Lagoon it was a one hour drive up to Reykjavik, where we’d booked a room at the  Flying Viking Guesthouse for the three nights we were in town. It was a wonderful property located right in the city centre. The proprietors, Hans and Elsa, had been incredibly helpful during the planning stages of the trip, providing me with ample information about area parking, sights, and much more.

On our second day we awoke early and headed out to drive the famed Golden Circle route. Our first stop was Þingvellir National Park, followed by Geysir and Strokkur geysers, and Gullfoss waterfall.

img_9950On the road to Þingvellir 

img_9982Strokkur, which erupts every 10-15 minutes

img_9993Just outside of Gullfoss

img_9994Gullfoss waterfall

With making frequent stops, the Golden Circle drive took us about 6 hours. We returned to Reykjavik in late afternoon and spent some time exploring the city centre and grabbing a delicious (though very expensive!) dinner before retiring for the evening.

To be continued…

 

It’s amazing the difference a year can make.

On a late night, one year ago, I decided that I was in too much pain to keep on living and that my existence was too burdensome on everyone around me. I had been dealing with ongoing suicidal thoughts for years, but in the months leading up to that night they’d become more and more intense.

I awoke the next morning in a psychiatric Form 3 hold at the hospital, with my parents sitting by my side. I remember feeling little more than numb through much of my two week stay in Unit 1M. And when I returned home I felt more discontented with life than ever before. I dropped out of my anxiety treatment program, stopped going to counselling, and tried to fade out of people’s lives.

Fortunately for me, I had a few amazing people in my life who wouldn’t stand for the latter. With their help I spent the summer slowly learning to live again and remembering so many of life’s little joys.

In late summer I set off for adventure, hoping that a bit of solo travel and space would help me regain some lost confidence. I spent three weeks driving under the Northern Lights in Iceland, boating through the Fjords in Norway, wandering the cobblestone streets in Denmark, and lounging with old friends in England. The trip gave me some much needed time for reflection and appreciation. For the first time I truly allowed myself to look at my life and the reasons for my unhappiness. The main one, I realized, was that I was scared.

In the autumn I came home determined to open myself up and conquer my fears. I took risks, faced new challenges, and found myself entering winter feeling something I had never truly felt before: Contentment.

And now, one year on, my life is virtually unrecognizable. I found a job that encompasses everything that I’ve ever wanted in a job. I fell in love with someone who makes me happier than I ever thought it was possible to be. I’ve started reaching out and attempting to mend broken relationships. And I’m starting to think that maybe, just maybe, I’m not such a human disaster after all.

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#BellLetsTalk day has rolled around once again.

I’ve always tried to be open and honest about my struggles with mental illness, as I know how important open conversations are to ending the stigma. I used to write about my experiences regularly, but have found myself doing so less and less over the last couple of years. At first I simply wasn’t finding the exercise of writing as helpful as I had in the past. But last spring it became much more than that.
Late one night in June, after 10 years of inner turmoil, I became so overwhelmed with my anxiety and depression that I attempted to take my own life.
I then spent the next two weeks as an inpatient in the Mental Health unit of the new St. Catharines Hospital and can truly say that that was the worst week of my life. But probably not for the reasons you’re thinking…
Each day I was in there I would meet with my assigned psychiatrist, and each day he would make the same comment: “You’re a highly educated and well-travelled young woman. You’re not the type of person I should be seeing in here.”
I never knew how to respond to this. He used words like “typical” and “should” and I just didn’t understand. Educated people can and do have depressive disorders, and well-travlled people can and do have anxiety disorders. Who was he to tell me I shouldn’t be there, when the fact was, I WAS there. I was there, and in pain, and instead of being helped, I was made to feel like my thoughts and emotions were invalid. I was made to feel like I should have somehow been above mental illness.
In the end, I didn’t receive anything in the way of “treatment”. My medication was switched to something I’d been on previously, and I slept a lot, played cards with my dad, and then after a week was discharged.
I left the hospital feeling completely discouraged. Following my discharge I dropped out of the outpatient anxiety treatment program that I’d been taking part in for a year previously, stopped going to counselling, and never spoke to anyone about how the experience effected me.
(Until now.)
I spent the summer wallowing in self-pity and feeling like a complete failure, followed by an autumn spent travelling and learning to trust my own abilities again. Thankfully the latter worked, and I returned home feeling like maybe, just maybe, I could be okay eventually. I built up the nerve to take some big chances, as well as rid myself of a few bad habits.
For a long time I didn’t think I’d live to see my 30th birthday.
But I did make it to 30. I made it, and now when I think of the future it’s not a blank question mark, but filled with possibilities. And for the first time I in as long as I can remember, I want to be alive to see what happens.

Blue Monday

Yes, I know, Blue Monday isn’t really a thing. I’d never even heard of it until a few days ago when Cineplex emailed me about their half price Blue Monday cinema ticket deals (which I totally took advantage of, obviously). But now I’m seeing it all over social media, and thought I’d use it as an excuse to write a post.

A couple of noteworthy things since I last posted…

September

I went backpacking around… Iceland…

img_9909Blue Lagoon Geothermal Spa, Iceland

northernlightsheaderNorthern Lights, Pingveller National Park, Iceland

…England…

img_0345Greenwich, London

img_0350Dorking, Surrey

…Denmark…

img_0404Copenhagen, Denmark

… and Norway.

img_0584Fjord Tour, Bergen -> Oslo

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October

I celebrated my best friend’s birthday with a trip to Las Vegas.

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Said best friend then gifted me an early Christmas/Birthday present: A visit to the Grand Canyon.

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November

I went to NYC for the election.

Someone new came into my life.

I went on a handful of terrifying job interviews.

And now, here we are!

 

 

 

The Anxious Wanderer Returns, Take Two

In three short days I’ll be in a rental car driving the Golden Circle in Iceland. I’ll be flying there from Toronto tomorrow, and meeting one of my dearest friends in the world in Reykjavik. Following a few days in the land of ice we’ll be flying back to her home in London, and later I will continue my adventures solo around England, Denmark, and Norway.

While this certainly isn’t my first time heading off on a grand adventure, it will be the first time since my anxiety has become so severe. And that, for me, makes this one of the most important trips I’ll ever take.

To say that the past two years have been hell is an understatement. In that time I’ve been diagnosed with panic disorder, panic psychosis, and severe chronic depression. I’ve been through periods where I was unable to leave the house. I’ve experienced emotions so severe than I didn’t know how to cope with them. I’ve had difficulty maintaining friendships, employment, and my own physical health. And just a few months ago I had bout of depression and anxiety so severe that I tried to take my own life.

In this time I’ve been on a dozen different medications, seen countless doctors, counsellors, and nurses, and been admitted to several outpatient and inpatient mental health programs.

In moments of panic it feels like my mind has turned against me, and convinced me that danger lurks around every corner. My attacks, which had always been unpleasant experiences, have become unbearable episodes of sheer terror. The frequent fear and stress have become all consuming, and over the years has slowly chipped away at every aspect of my life.

Even in periods when the attacks, anxiety, and depression are less intense, I’ve discovered that it’s difficult to enjoy things I once loved, like theatre and travel. In the past few years these things have provided me with little more than fear and nausea. At one point I even thought that perhaps I’d just stop partaking, because what was the point?

But, at the end of day, I just couldn’t bring myself to give up my last semblance of hope. So in the spirit of ‘go big, or go home’, I’ve decided to get over my fears by visiting three countries I’ve never stepped foot into before (two of them on my own). I’m also giving myself London, because it’s the love of my life.

And I refuse to let my anxieties take it, or anything, away from me.

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Locked Up

Exactly one month ago I was released from the hospital after spending 7 days on a mandatory hold inside of the psychiatric unit. It was undoubtedly the worst week of my life, and the lowest point I’ve reached during my decade long struggle with mental illness.

During and following my hold I didn’t tell many people about what was happening. Partly because I was embarrassed and ashamed, and partly because I simply didn’t know how to talk about it. I still don’t, to be completely honest. But despite that, I’m writing now because I feel it’s important to say something. It may not be the correct thing, or what people want to hear, but the one thing I know is that keeping quiet out of shame only perpetuates stigma.

The ‘How?’ and the ‘Why?’ are likely what people most want to know, but are in my opinion the least important aspects of the story. While it was one rash and desperate decision that landed me in the hospital, the path leading up to it was a long and complicated one. My incarceration was 10 years of poor decisions in the making. Poor decision that I, for the first time, realize come from the fact that I simply don’t value my own life.

That revelation is in and of itself heavily complex. And along with it I also have my crippling anxiety, chronic depression, and unstable emotional responses to stress and upset. But I’ve come to learn that identifying and accepting issues is half the battle.

And as of tonight, that battle is not yet lost.

30 x 30

T-minus 6 months (and 2 days) until I turn 30. And as such, I’ve decided to make a list of 30 things I wish to do / 30 goals I’d like to achieve, by age 30:

  1. Visit 30 new cities
  2. Do 30 minutes of meditation or mindfulness each day
  3. Learn to be kind to myself
  4. Walk 30 km each week
  5. Eat fruits & veggies 30 times each week
  6. Take time out to recharge and refocus
  7. Lose 30 lbs
  8. Work avg 30 hours each week
  9. Don’t be afraid to say ‘no’
  10. Spend only $30 each week on non-essentials (movies, clothes, eating out)
  11. Put $30 in savings account each week
  12. Learn self-forgiveness
  13. Watch / Listen / Read 30 new arts / entertainment things
  14. Give Jacob 30 memorable experiences
  15. Be a more attentive friend
  16. Write and send 30 letters / postcards to loved ones
  17. Set aside 30 minutes each week to get organized
  18. Be more open and honest about my feelings
  19. Rid myself of 30 toxic habits / relationships / things
  20. Volunteer 30 hours each month
  21. Ask for help when I need it
  22. Take 30 photographs each month
  23. Try 30 new foods
  24. Take the time to reflect and appreciate
  25. Write 30 new posts / articles / essays
  26. Try 30 things that scare me
  27. Learn to be more flexible / “go with the flow”
  28. Apply to 30 new jobs
  29. Try my very best to do the 30 things on this list
  30. But don’t beat myself up should I not accomplish them all

Special thanks to Jenny for helping me brainstorm in the middle of the night ;)

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