Tag: anxiety disorder

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2016: Same Old, Same Old

How is it almost February?

I spent January working my ass off and being sick, so I’ve lost all concept of time. I started a 4th and 5th job, so my schedule is ridiculous. Honestly, if I didn’t have a multi-device syncing calendar I’d be completely screwed. And it’s not like I’m working an excessive number of hours (40-50 a week, on average), but being all over the place at all different times of the day is making me scatterbrained. I’ve turned into a complete flake, and it’s really starting to get to me!

(In a spontaneous act of crazy, needing to feel like I had some sort of control, I got a pair of scissors and chopped off all my hair. Thank you to Saira for being my inspiration there! Heh.)

It’s also not helping that my anxiety is getting bad. And the irony is that the source of anxiety is that (1) I’m beyond paranoid that I’m going to have a panic attack at work, and (2) I lose my prescription benefits at the end of this month.

A big issue for me in early 2015 was that I stopped sleeping regularly due to nocturnal panic episodes, caused my dreams (typically the traditional teeth falling out dream). They went away last spring, but returned in the last few weeks. Recently it’s the same dream over and over: I’m at work (my retail job, which I’ve been at since October and quite like) and am constantly getting into trouble because I’m doing everything wrong. As the dream goes on coworkers start coming up to me and telling me how incompetent I am and that management is furious. Eventually in the dream I have a panic attack, am yelled at by a manager, and fired. And then I wake up in a panic attack (hyperventilating, crying, nose bleed, all that fun stuff). I’ve had this same dream, and same panic episode, the last 3 nights in a row. UGH.

As for the benefits, I don’t even know what to do. I can’t afford my auto-immune meds AND my anxiety meds. So I weighed the option of taking one vs the other. If I stop the anxiety meds I’ll probably relapse into my anxiety-ridden self, but if I stop my auto-immune meds I could potentially die, so… I voted for anxiety meds! But I went to my doctor this morning and asked about weening off the meds to which I received the most incredulous look of all time. “You have an incredibly severe anxiety disorder. You can not go off medication.” OKAY, OKAY.

So, I now need to figure out how to pay the $500/month for meds. I keep getting denied for private insurance, so I might try Trillium again. I’ve been denied twice, but maybe third time’s the charm. Everyone please cross all fingers and toes. Thx.

Hmm, what else? I was supposed to start the 3rd semester of my out-patient anxiety program yesterday, but being a sleep deprived flake, I missed the first session. So I need to make sure that I sort that out and don’t get myself kicked out of the program. And today I finally made appointments with my counsellor and occupational therapist. They’re both going to shout at me for taking more jobs…

The last time I saw either of them I had just taken on a second one, and neither were impressed. But I think I needed to do it, and I’m happy I did. I realized the only reason I wasn’t was because I had convinced myself I couldn’t. But it turns out I could! I’m not completely incompetent!

Well, not outside of my anxiety dreams, at least.

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Stress

As some of you know I’ve been in an outpatient program for severe anxiety with the NHS since the beginning of this year. The experience has been incredibly tough, but if I look at where I was 12 months ago compared to today I can say that it has been – and continues to be- rewarding. The program has provided me with clarity, acceptance, and in its success the will and motivation to continue my path to recovery.

However, in saying that, over the past month I’ve found myself missing sessions due to work conflicts. But considering I was unable to work when I began the program, there are much worse reasons for absence! And I did meet with one of my clinicians last week and commit to improving my attendance come the new year. Having recently been offered a permanent role with my new employer (I was hired as a seasonal staff member) I am now left with the dilemma of whether or not to disclose that I am in this program. On one hand I want to explain my sporadic availability, but on the other I still greatly fear being fired. But, that’s something I’ll need to continue to mull over.

But that’s not the reason I decided to write today, so moving on!

I’ve been on a self-help book kick lately. Most recently I dug out my copy of The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook, which I was given during my stint in the Region’s anxiety program. (Remember the anxiety program I was kicked out of for being too anxious? Yeah, that one.) At the time I didn’t get very far into the book, first being too overwhelmed with the program, and then being too upset after being asked to leave. But going back to it I must say that it’s excellent. I’m only in section 2 but am already finding a lot of new and helpful information. I’m also realizing some misconceptions or misunderstandings I had about certain topics, namely: Stress.

My relationship with the idea of stress has always been complicated. I’ve spent years beating myself up, and telling myself that I can’t be experiencing stress. What do I have to be stressed about? I don’t have a stressful job, or family to take care of, or any of these other things that I’ve always associated with being sources of stress. But I’m coming to realize that I hold a very myopic view of what stress is. It’s not a short list of things that affect everyone in a specific way. It’s a very, very long list of things that affect everyone to varying degrees.

Section 2 of the book is entitled “Major Causes of Anxiety Disorders”, and one of the topics discussed is Cumulative Stress. It includes an instrument called the Life Events Survey, which is used to determine a person’s level of cumulative stress. Several events are listed, and given an accompanying score. If an event has occurred more than once over the past two years, then you would count the score the applicable number of times. The conclusion states that:

If your score is under 150, you are less likely to be suffering the effects of cumulative stress. If it is between 150 and 300, you may be suffering from chronic stress, depending on how you perceived and coped with the particular life events that occurred. If your score is over 300, it is likely you are experiencing some detrimental effects of cumulative stress.

Examples of ‘events’ include Personal Illness, Change in Residence, Losing a Job, Change in Finances, Major Purchases, etc. It asks you to include only events that have occurred in the last 2 years.

My score was… 595.

I guess I need to stop beating myself up, thinking I have nothing to be stressed about!

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Shrinking World

After months of fighting, begging, and waiting I have finally started an OHIP covered treatment program for all the anxiety/panic issues I’ve been dealing with. The next few months are going to be rough, but I’ll be working with a team from a few different outpatient clinics and health centres in the area. Last week I met with a psychiatrist and a social worker (separate services) for assessment, and both agreed to continue working with me. OHIP only covers a handful of sessions with each, but I’m hopeful that even the short time will be of help. They’ve both also mentioned options for services following their own, ones that they can get me into – therapy, panic support counselling, anxiety wellness group. I finally feel like I’ve been able to gain access to this seemingly impenetrable system after 8 long years.

The timing of this is equally perfect and horrible. You see, for as long as I’ve been dealing with these issues, I’ve never had my world shrink down to it’s current extreme. My anxiety may have been bad in the past, but school and work and life always forced me to keep my bubble large and rather elasticized. There was always the occasional bad day where I just couldn’t, but most of the time I’d take a deep breath and step out into the world. If need be I’d go out to my car or into a stairwell to have a panic attack or cry or shout in frustration. But, I was still out there, moving, interacting.

But I don’t have that anymore. I don’t have school or work or life. In the spring my bubble was the whole of central London. In the summer it was the spaces (and walking route between) home and work. Now it’s shrunk to the second floor of the house. The world outside the bubble feels dangerous, filled with unpredictability and discomfort. Everything has the potential to set me off, to make me lose myself in a space that is not safe, and that’s terrifying.

I wasn’t familiar with the idea of the shrinking world until recently (at least not consciously), but it’s a shift I began to notice over the past year. Those who know me know I love to travel, and would go just about anywhere in a heartbeat. But in spring 2014 I had a flight booked and entire trip planned to Oslo, but on the day of departure I couldn’t get on the plane. I was terrified and I didn’t know why, so I spent days/weeks beating myself up for such an irrational decision to not go. I mean, really? I’ve been to 15 countries, half of those travelling solo. I’ve had so much shit thrown at me while travelling (figuratively and literally, as some of you may remember!) that I know I’m fully capable of dealing with many worst case scenarios. And yet…

I’d hoped it was a one off, but then in November when I was meant to go to New York I once again panicked. I sent a text to a close friend stating “I can’t go to New York. I just don’t think I should go.” and when she asked “How come?”, I replied “I’m terrified.” Truthfully, the only reason I did end up going was because of an argument at home and the resulting fear of staying and dealing with the ramifications of that outweighed my fear of going on the trip.

That trip was two months ago now, and since returned home my bubble has snapped back in around me. I don’t leave the house for days on end (a week in a few instances), and when I do, I don’t venture far. And because of this, every time I go out, it’s more difficult than the last time.

After my appointment with the psychiatrist last week I was so utterly frustrated with myself and how bad this has gotten that I got in the car and drove to Toronto, where I got out for about 15 minutes before driving back home. I then had a massive panic attack, of course, but two steps forward, one step back is better than the reverse. The leap without looking approach has always been my go-to in the past, and has served me well. I mean just over a year ago I went for a one week holiday to the UK, but decided to skip my flight home and stay for 10 months instead. Unfortunately I’m not in a position to leap right now. I have no money, no job prospects, and no where to go. I’ve been incredibly fortunate in the past to have people who took me in while I got back on my feet after a massive leap, but I don’t think such an option exists this time round. Plus, shouldn’t there be a point where I can do it all on my own?

I must also admit that one of the worst things about the bubble is that it doesn’t limit me to the space itself (though that does indeed suck), but it limits my interactions with people outside of the bubble. I can’t talk to people anymore. Partially because I don’t know what to say, and partially because I’m embarrassed about being a narcissistic, scatter brained mess (and who on earth wants to have anything to do with that?). It’s easier just to not talk to people. Their lives are going so well, and the last thing I want to do it be some kind of damper in that.

Anyway. The social worker has given me some mundane tasks to accomplish (leave the house twice a day, even if only to do a quick walk around the block), cook a proper meal (apparently eating cereal for dinner every night isn’t great?), and get in contact with some people she suggested. I’ve yet to technically accomplish any of these things since our appointment on Wednesday, and I feel beyond pathetic about it. But tomorrow’s a new day and all that.

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Panic! At The… Everywhere

*Drops forehead onto metaphorical desk*

Up until about a month ago my panic attacks had subsided into an almost non-existent worry in my day-to-day life. Predictably, this is no longer the case.

I had stockpiled medication while in the UK and managed a good 2 months worth to bring back with me in June. Sadly that ran out in early September, and being unable to swing the $350 presecription, I switched to something my doctor gave me that looked like it had fallen off the back of a truck. It apparently should be equally as effective as the former medication, but after nearly 4 weeks I must strongly disagree.

I didn’t realize how well the former meds had been working until it stopped! I’m now back to several panic attacks a day, often with little to no trigger. It takes me a good 3-4 hours of tossing and turning to fall asleep at night, and most nights I spring awake just a couple hours afterwards from a dream induced panic attack (that as of late often include heavy nosebleeds).

And the icing on the cake is that I’ve now had run-ins with two different supervisors at work over this whole mess. Last weekend I had moved into a space just out of the customers line of site so I could catch my breath when the supervisor came over and said “oh, take your time, it’s not like we’re busy!” in the most sarcastic and condescending manner I’ve heard in a long time. And today I did the same (after asking someone to cover my spot for a few minutes) when a supervisor came up and asked “what is wrong with you?!” before rushing off, annoyed.

It’s not like I don’t know how inconvenient and annoying my panic attacks are. Trust me, I do. They’ve thoroughly ruined my entire life, so I really don’t need the extra outside bitching. And it certainly doesn’t help, and I’m actually nearing a point where I’m getting panic attacks before work from stressing that I might have a panic attack at work and wind up getting fired.

The incident last week happened before a break, at which time I wandered off, having no desire whatsoever to talk to anyone. Thankfully I’d brought my camera and went to sit in a nice quiet clearly, with a not-too-shabby view:

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IMG_1258.PNGI still don’t know how to explain this all, or even if it’s worth bothering.