Category: Family

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And the official freakout begins… NOW.

I think it’s safe to say that my official freakout over moving has begun. I’m trying to rationalize that all of the things I’m freaking out about aren’t as catastrophic as I’ve made them out to be in my head, but my right and left brain are not finding any common ground. Current freakouts include:

Money

I know, I know. Who isn’t freaking out about money. This is the first summer since I was 15 that I haven’t been working 40+ hours a week. In fact, I’m working no hours a week, as I don’t have a job! Or, I should say, I have a job that has no hours. Same difference at the moment. My place of employment for the past 5 years went under, leaving me with a decision at the end of classes late last month: Find a job for 6 weeks, or travel. At the time travel won out, but I am regretting that decision a little bit at the moment. My trip was fantastic, but chewed up most of the savings I had put away. But, realistically, it would have taken me a couple weeks to find a job once I got home, and I would be handing in my 2 weeks notice right now. This leads in to my 2nd freakout…

Finding A Job in the UK

“What?! You don’t have a job in the UK before moving?!” Yes, this is very true. But, in my defense, my rational is that my choices were to find a min. wage job in Niagara and be paying a fortune in car insurance, payments, rent, etc, all the while not being anywhere near where I want to be finding my career. Or, I can move to London, find a min. wage job right away, work as much as I can while living very cheaply w/ friend before finding an apartment and the whole time be actively looking for a job in the city where I’m residing. Might be crazy, but I’m hopeful that it will work out. My main concern in finding an internship, but as I’ve already gotten offers that I couldn’t take because of my current location, I’m hoping my odds of finding something will be even better once I’m there! Right? Sure, why not.

And as for finding something right away – I have been applying, have friends asking around about openings, and have access to the SWAP working holiday employment program. I’m still completely freaked out, but I feel that I might be okay in the end.

Getting There

Going back to point number one – I have no money. And getting to London can be very expensive. Thankfully Air Transat has these fantastic seat sales where you can get a one-way ticket for $2. It requires a great deal of patience though, which is not my strong suit. I’m holding on though! My visa starts in 18 days, and their website sales section is slowly getting closer to my departure date. Just have to keep my fingers crossed on this one, as it’s really pure luck at the moment.

If not seat sale? Well, I’ll be shoving $900 on to my Visa card and figuring out how to pay it of later… Always a brilliant plan!

OMG WE’RE HAVING A FIRE sale

I need to sell my car. And my couch. And I need to donate or throw out about 3/4 of everything I own because I can’t bring it with me, or keep it here. In summation: My inner hoarder is losing it’s shit right now.

My Awkwardness

I’m awkward. Like, painfully so. If you know me, you know this. I’m okay with it about 99% of the time. However, this is the 1%.

Some wonderful friends have offered me immediate shelter and eventual flatmate status, and my brain is freaking out that when I get there no one will like me, and people will revoke said offers because I’ll turn out to be a pain to live with, and I’ll wind up homeless and broke and having a panic attack in the rain in the middle of Trafalgar Square with all my possessions. Slight overreaction? Of course. But, it’s my immediate assumption, so there you go.

Rational brain is saying it’ll be fine, even if we don’t get along swimmingly, things can be easily worked through, blah, blah, blah. I know. But, I’m awkward and crazy and don’t see the world the way I should.

Missing Home

I’m going to miss home. But, this is the sacrifice one makes when deciding to move halfway around the world. You leave family, friends, and familiarity. It sucks. But you do it in the hopes that the trade off will be worth it. You lose a lot, but you hopefully gain a lot in return. I’m hoping to spend the next few weeks spending as much time with family, friends, and Tim Horton’s as possible ; )

And thankfully the wonders of technology make separation less difficult. Skype, FaceTime, free international calling, and social media leave the ones you love closer than ever. It’s not the same, of course, but it’s still pretty awesome. Now, we just have to help my mom find that darn “Answer” button on her Skype!

The Gamble

At the end of the day, this is a total gamble. Maybe it’ll work, maybe it won’t. But, I know that if I don’t try, I’ll regret it forever. And maybe, just maybe, all the pieces will fall in to place. Bring it, London.

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25 days ago

This is something I’ve been wanting to write for a few weeks now, but haven’t been able to. I’m giving it a shot tonight though.

I had a very… uneven childhood. It was part calm, part chaos. Those who know me well will likely know what I mean by this. To anyone else, the details aren’t at all important.

What I want to talk about now is the calmest of the calm part. The two people who were a constant source of love, acceptance, joy, trust, and goodness in my every uneven world: My grandparents. I was very close to them growing up. My grandma was my caregiver while my mom was at work, and I spent many weekends going on all sorts of adventures with my grandpa. Many of my happiest memories growing up were with them.

25 days ago my grandfather passed away.

Vern Bradley was a remarkable man. He was smart, caring, creative, and, simply, good. From debating the best donut flavours with him as a child, to debating politics as an adult, he always remained the most important man in my life. Though he was my grandfather, he was very much my father-figure growing up. He was always there, my trust and adoration of him never once wavering.

I had a lot of self-confidence issues as a child. I didn’t know where I fit in to the world, or even how to go about trying to. So, one day (when I was around 10 or so) he took me out to the back of their farm to show me something he’d made for me. Nothing could have prepared me for what was waiting. My own world. In a wooded, overgrown section of their property he’d created series of trails, clearings, and climbing areas, with a sign at the entrance welcoming guests to “Spencer’s World”. He gave me my own corner of the world, filled it with things I loved, and even provided signs to navigate me home in case I got lost. It is, and I imagine always will be, the greatest gift I will ever receive.

25 days ago the world lost a great man.

He lived a long life, and was ready to go. He told me he was ready to die, after struggling through years and years of sickness. And as one of the people who sat in the room with him when he passed, I can assure you that a more peaceful end there never was. He didn’t struggle for his last breaths, which as a sufferer of emphysema was a great fear of his. He simply went to sleep, and after hours of restful, light breathing, he simply let out a breath and was gone. He was surrounded by so much love the last couple of days, and I couldn’t have asked for anything more for him.

I wanted to speak at the funeral, but was having a lot of trouble in the days that followed, so I decided against it. I’m still having a tough go of it, to be completely honest. But, I wanted to write a little something, just to solidify my own thoughts.

I’m not religious, and I don’t believe in heaven. But, I do believe in the soul. And I like to think that somewhere in this vast universe, his is residing, spreading, and carrying with it his wonderful, imaginative spirit.

I love you, grandpa.