Anxiety – Page 3 – Sloane Square

September 4, 2014October 6, 2014

Ouch

I’ve been at my new job for a week now. The actual work is pretty mundane, but the people are nice and the backdrop is gorgeous, so it’s been pretty good. Plus, getting out into the world on a regular basis has helped ease that rut I was in (who knew? /sarcasm). Unfortunately being able to leave the update there just isn’t my brand of luck.

I mentioned a couple of months ago that I was getting sick, but was so happy when I somehow managed to have a positive turn around in August. That laceration in my gut, which has been the bane of my existence since around February, was finally starting to heal on it’s own. Thank Thor! Sadly, after a month problem-free, it tore open again this past weekend and is bleeding more than ever before.

I’m not sure if the tearing is work-related, coincidental, or what. Regardless, it hurts and is making me feel terrible. And on top of that I’ve now gotten myself completely stressed out worrying about it. I ended up having a panic attack at work today, which aside from being beyond embarrassing, makes me look completely incompetent. It’s not easy to explain to someone who’s not familiar with anxiety that an attack isn’t necessarily related to what’s happening in the moment. The job is not stressful or anxiety-inducing, which I tried to say today, but ever since that incident at the Natural History Museum I’m paranoid. And that isn’t helping the stress either.

I have an appointment with the gastrointestinal surgeon in 2 weeks, so fingers crossed for some good news there. I’m not thrilled at the prospect of surgery, but it definitely beats the alternative.

For the moment I just need to focus on not freaking out about going to work tomorrow because I’m mortified about what happened today.

Beer me strength…

tram

Abandoned tram system in the woods at work

August 15, 2014August 19, 2014

When the dark night seems endless…

The moment you realize you’ve shifted from sadness to depression is not a pleasant one. Or perhaps what’s worse is being so familiar with depression that you’re aware of the shift and can watch it occur in yourself with an almost expert eye.

Continue reading “When the dark night seems endless…”

April 1, 2014April 13, 2014

INFJ

I’ve taken a few versions of the Myers-Briggs (and similar variations) personality / characteristic indicator test over the past few months. Obviously the accuracy of an online test is much less than a professionally administered one, but who can afford that?! Heh. So, online it is, and regardless of the form used it’s the same result every time:

Continue reading “INFJ”

November 20, 2013

Leap Before You Look

I have that backwards, I know, but it feels quite apt at the moment.

Continue reading “Leap Before You Look”

December 22, 2012

No Help, No Hope

I’m glad there’s been a lot of talk this past week about the state of mental health services. The reason it was brought to the front page is beyond horrific, but maybe some change will come out of this terrible tragedy. And it’s not just the United States who are guilty of such deplorable services- It’s everywhere. After the week/month/year I’ve had I think I’m qualified to make this assertion.

Continue reading “No Help, No Hope”

December 5, 2012

December

How? Seriously, how is it December already?

There’s a lot of really positive things coming up, but being my anxiety ridden, lacking in confidence self, I’m finding it difficult to be happy about these things. I want to be thrilled, but there’s this voice in my head screaming a million reasons why I shouldn’t or can’t do things. It’s getting rather frustrating, to be honest.

Continue reading “December”

November 3, 2012

The Seatbelt Sign Is Now Turned Off

I think this blog is long overdue. As some of you may know I had an… eventful week. For everyone who sent me messages and texts and emails, thank you. And to those same people, I’m also very sorry! There’s a good chance I didn’t reply to you and I feel awful, but it’s been a tad hellish and I’ve fallen horribly behind on everything…

To catch everyone up on my week:

Sunday – Okay. Went to work. It was really busy, but good. I met a lot of nice people and got to people watch and explore a bit, so it was overall an okay kind of day.

Monday – Slightly less okay. I was homesick. I was off work that day, and it was uneventful, but I think left me with too much time to think!

Tuesday – Day.From.Hell. I mean, seriously. The day that wouldn’t end. I woke up in the morning and was feeling a bit off, and a bit panicked. Nothing too unusual about that. By the time I got showered and dressed and out the door I was at a moderate level of panic. And by the time I got the bus I was starting to lose it. I was on my way to work and just kept trying to breathe through it. It was working, for awhile. I sat on the tube for half an hour with my eyes closed just trying to stay calm. And then I stepped out at South Kensington and in to the museum and was surround by thousands of people. Still holding it in though! Not well, but enough! I got to the employee area and my manager, who I have now learned is an expert at detecting panic attacks, immediately approached me to see if I was okay. Very quickly I was not.

First Aid is called, and I’m sent home. So, after taking an hour of so to get myself together I get back on the train. Only, it turns out I hadn’t actually calmed down all that much. The panic attack hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m on the Picaddilly line, unable to breathe, surrounded my people, my face gets hot, and the bleeding from the face starts. Heavy and everywhere. The rest is a bit of blur. I collapsed, was pulled of the train, and taken away from the platform. There were a lot of TFL employees, still blood flowing everywhere, and then paramedics, an ambulance, and a hospital.

Not the best day. And to top it all off, when I was discharged from the hospital, I had no idea where I was or how to get home. Plus, when I got on a bus I was deducted almost all of my Oyster credit for not touching out when the paramedics came and got me from the station. Awesome!

So, 4 buses and a train later, I made it home. At which point I decided I wanted nothing more than to go home home.

Wednesday – At the insistence of a friend I decided to go in to Mind UK. Well, attempted to. I got on the bus, only to have it stop halfway there, declare it was now out of service, kick us all off, and drive away. Not having enough credit to catch another bus there, and who-knows-how-many-more back, I went home. There was also some parental drama that I won’t get in to. But, it wasn’t fun either.

Thursday – I took a mental health day. Watched about a million episodes of Community and went for a nice, long, leisurely walk, and took a lot of pictures. I decided to give London another shot and not head home quite yet.

Friday – I moved. Again?! Yes, yes, I know. I’ve moved out of Sally’s house for the second time, but this new arrangement seems much more ideal than the previous one. The room is bigger, the rent is cheaper, and I’m about 5 steps away from Sally and Karen.

Saturday – Today was nice. Karen and I moved some furniture, which was quite the adventure! I did some unpacking, met a lot of the people around the neighbourhood, had a lovely dinner with Sally and Michelle, and joined in on some Guy Fawkes Day celebrations.

And tomorrow, I’m back to work! The job is great when I’m not having a panic-ridden day. It’s busy, the day goes by fast, and there’s lot of interesting people. It’s a fantastic place to people-watch. I tend to get there early, so there’s always some time to sit and listen.

Anyway. It’s late, and I’m tired. I decided to write because I couldn’t get to sleep with all the fireworks going off, but they seem to have stopped. Fingers crossed!