Author: Spencer

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Random Roundup

I have a few things I’ve been meaning to post about, and thought I might as well do it all in one go:

1. I went to NYC and had a great time. Saw lots of friends, did lots of wandering, and ate lots of good food. My 3 favourite things!

12049486_10100121342851474_5207737945734156213_nTimes Square

12063845_10100121342706764_8052982763288268484_nWashington Heights

2. Still no luck on the job front. I’m starting to feel really disheartened. Like, what do I do with my life if I can’t find a job in the field I want?

3. I thought I’d been kicked out of my outpatient anxiety program for being a flake, but it turns out I wasn’t. Apparently vanishing during your first 6 weeks isn’t all that uncommon. I start back on Tuesday, and hopefully this time goes better.

4. I’ve become obsessed with adult colouring books.

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5. I joined an online creative writing club. I’d heard about it through some friends, and I thought I’d give it a try. I’ve been partnered up with someone in Ottawa for a couple of projects, so it’s been a pretty cool experience. I haven’t really done creative writing before, so it’s nice to have someone to bounce everything off of.

6. I got quite frustrated with my Panic Project and put it on the back burner a couple of months ago, but I think it’s time to get it going again. I just need to figure out where to start! The creative writing project has made me realize how helpful having a partner for it would be. Sigh. Maybe one day!

I think that’s it. My life is pretty boring! How are you doing?

 

 

 

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Tomorrow! Tomorrow!

I love ya, tomorrow! You’re only a day away!

I’m off to NYC tomorrow, and if you can’t tell, I’m excited. I haven’t been since being stranded there for 12 days of November 2014– Almost an entire year ago! For shame. (I’m making up for it by going again in 6 weeks. Thank you MegaBus and your $1 tickets!) I’m not sure what I’ll get up to, but I’ve made a goal to go to 2 places I’ve never been before. We’ll see where that leads me!

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I also wanted to write a quick update to apologize for my pity party in the last post. I know there are people out there going through so much worse, and I’m trying to remember that and be more grateful for the little things. This too shall pass and all that.

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The Actual WORST (IMHO)

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I’ve struggled with self-esteem issues since I was a kid. I mean I was chubby and weird, so that’s not a huge surprise! But then in my second year of high school I got sick, and remained sick for almost two years, during which time I didn’t have the energy to be so negative on myself. And when I came out the other end I was just so happy to be alive and healthy that all those negative thoughts didn’t get to me much.

They slowly returned in university with the onset of depression and anxiety, and have weaved in and out of my life since. And as I got older, the negative thoughts evolved. When I was young I recall it being a constant fear and paranoia about what other people were thinking (which I know is a classic symptom of Social Anxiety Disorder), but as I get older it’s been more of a struggle with self doubt and self judgement. It’s a constant stream of never-ending negativity.

// I’m a terrible friend. // I can’t do this job. // Why would anyone love me? // I screw everything up. // I’m an embarrassment. // What’s the point in trying? // I’m a failure. // I give up. //

And the longer my life stagnates, the more intense the negative thoughts become. The more friends I lose touch with, jobs I’m rejected from, relationships I’m in that fail, etc, the more I start to doubt myself. I know this is something that everyone struggles with- I just wish I knew how they get through it! For me it leads to crippling anxieties and the mentality of ‘why bother?’ and assumptions, that are correct in my head (and maybe in reality).

// Why bother applying for this job because I’m not going to get it. // Why bother trying to stay in touch with this friend because they clearly don’t want me in their life. // Why bother trying to date because no one in their right mind would ever be interested in me. // Why bother trying this or that because I’m only going to fail. //

I let myself fail before I even try. Sure, there are a lot of things I’ve done, even when they’ve scared me. Many times even because they scared me. But in my mind everything I’ve done has been a failure in its own way. University and grad school, moving abroad, travelling, projects- all the things that people tell me are accomplishments- I’ve never seen them as that. I focus on everything in those experiences that went wrong, and how that was all my fault and I should have done better. And I use them as excuses not to try new things.

I got thinking about this because few days ago I had a job application that asked me what other people like or admire about me. Not knowing how to answer, I decided to ask on Facebook. People were very kind in their answers, but they were difficult for me to read because I don’t believe them about myself. I wish beyond reason that I was courageous, or kind, or determined. But I’m not. Or I’m not enough of those things. Enough of what, I’m not even sure. But there’s something missing.

I don’t expect to ever feel “I’m awesome!”, but I’d like to find a way to stop holding myself back.

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Labour Day 2015

For the first time ever I went away for Labour Day weekend! I spent 4.5 days in Toronto and it was fab. I spent time with old friends, new friends, and saw three of my favourite celebs: Idina Menzel, Gillian Anderson, and Hayley Atwell.

After somehow making it through the most stressful interview of my life on Wednesday afternoon I headed to Toronto where I met up with Gen at her office. She kindly took my suitcase, and I ran off to see Idina Menzel for the 9th time.

SMall IMG_8022Idina Menzel, Sept 2 2015, Sony Centre

I didn’t make it through the whole show, as I was out-of-my-mind tired, so I snuck out during the encore.

On Thursday I headed to the awesome sauce hotel a friend and I had booked on a Fan Expo group discount (woo!), and they thankfully let me check in 4 hours early. I had a nap and after waking up and receiving a message from one of my favourite people in whole world (who I had not seen in 2 years) hurried off to meet Kiloran. While sitting on her balcony we realized it had been 10 years since we met at the castle, and decided to mark the occasion by attempting to recreate one of the many ridiculous photos we had taken during our first year on university. Because it turns out we’re just as cool as we were in 2005…

11891415_10100115772294914_1427146033049869263_oPhoto 1: 2005, Photos 2-4: 2015

Later that evening I headed to the airport to pick up Caitlin, and making our way back into the city.

IMG_0203The view from our hotel room. Not too shabby!

On Friday we toured around Toronto, since Caitlin had never been before. We mostly wandered, and thankfully the temperature earlier in the day wasn’t too bad!

IMG_2595The Distillery District

On Saturday we met up with Gen who took us over to Centre Island. We went earlier in the day, so it was busy at all! We wandered from one end to other and then headed back and grabbed lunch at the waterfront.

11952030_10100116473374944_8242612731677427721_nView of the city from Centre Island

Later in the afternoon Caitlin wasn’t feeling so hot, so she went back to the hotel to rest. Gen and I went for a nice walk down Queen Street and then back to the hotel to go swimming. It was so nice to catch up! She even mentioned how much better I seem to doing from the last time we met up a few months ago, which was really nice to hear. It’s one thing to think you’re doing better, but another to have someone acknowledge it.

IMG_0394Poolside, Sheraton Centre

Sunday was the BIG DAY: Fan Expo Canada. We arrived around 9:30 and spent an hour or so checking out all of the booths. It’s a bit overwhelming, even with knowing what I was walking into!

Our first scheduled event was a photo op with Hayley Atwell. We were both excited and nervous, especially being near the front of the line. If you’re not familiar with photo ops, to say they’re rushed is an understatement. Someone shouts at you to drop your bags, then stand on the red line, and then suddenly you’re just standing in front of the person, the photo is snapped, and you’re out. Now, unfortunately I can get kind of manic in such circumstances, so I may have bolted towards Ms. Atwell, said ‘hi’, and then just dove in for a side hug/cuddle. She said ‘WHOA!’ and the photographer started laughing. I really have no memory of what happened, but you can tell by the photo that she was caught off guard!

HayleyHayley Atwell

Up next was the Gillian Anderson Q&A, which was awesome. She was hilarious, people asked some really great questions, and she told some great stories.

11947976_10100116472361974_1199287061996281017_oGillian Anderson Q&A

Next up was the Gillian Anderson photo op, which was pure chaos. And I was so nervous to meet her! After the tackle debacle that morning I decided I really needed to chill out, which worked out. Phew! We were rushed in, I said something like “It’s so amazing to meet you!”, and she said “Thank you!” We all squeezed in for the photo and Gillian declared “I’m in the middle!”

GillianGillian Anderson

The last thing on our schedule for the day was the Hayley Atwell Q&A. Unfortunately when we went to line up an hour and a half before it started, the line was already out of control. We sat in it for awhile, but Caitlin needed to leave it early to get to the airport in time, so in the end we decided to just head out and get some dinner.

After that we both headed home, exhausted!

Thanks Toronto, Fan Expo, and awesome friends for a great mini holiday. Next Up: New York City!

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Things Are Looking Up

What’s that? A positive title? What is going on?

It’s been a pretty good month, I must admit. It started off rocky when I went off a medication and had some pretty severe withdrawal symptoms, but it was all up hill from there. My Panic People Project is continuing to gain traction with a local newspaper article, work is going well, things are happening on the career path, I won Alumnus of the Week from my grad school, and in 2 weeks I will be starting The Week Of Awesome (Idina Menzel, Gillian Anderson, Billie Piper, Hayley Atwell, I can’t even!)

Oh, and my amazing g@wd daughter turned 4!

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Alumnus of the Week

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Niagara This Week

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I still have no clue what the future holds, but I’m trying to stay positive. My ‘What Would You Do?’ panic has morphed into an answer of ‘ANYTHING!’ And I’m going to hold onto that attitude for as long as I can.

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OH EM GEE!

I picked this up today and am feeling so many feels.

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That’s it. That’s the only reason I’m posting.

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Feelin’ Fine By Twenty-Nine

After my last post it felt like getting myself to go back into work would be impossible. But, I did it, and it’s been fine. Rationally I knew that’s what would happen, but anxiety and rational thought don’t quite fit together.

That once incident aside, I’ve been feeling unusually optimistic these past few months. So, a few days following said incident I decided it could act as an excellent motivator for me to step up my application game. Now, I’m trying to be realistic in knowing that (a) finding gainful employment is like finding a needle in a haystack right now, and (b) I might not be ready to take on such employment quite yet. But neither of those are reasons not to try.

I’m also not allowing them to be reasons to be miserable.

In six months I turn 29, and even if I’m not working where I want to be working by that time, I want to feel a sense of contentedness with my life. I want to feel fulfilled, do things I’ve never done, take risks, get in shape, spend more time with the people I love, in the cities I love.

The past few years have been rough health-wise, which in turn made work, school, relationships, and just about everything else rough too. But lately my health has been good, I’ve had a bit of an income coming in, and I’ve been working on slowly mending the many relationships that have broken in the second-half of my twenties.

The next six months are going to be good. I’m going to make sure of it.

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Failed Accomplishments

I started working in March and thought it was going well. In fact I was beginning to feel quite proud of myself. I made it through my shirts with little to no issues, wasn’t calling in sick, was adjusting to the new routine. It was a massive improvement from my last few jobs, and I was starting to feel like maybe I was finally ready to look for permanent employment in my field.

But then I was asked into the managers office on Friday to “discuss my breakdowns”. Now, I have Panic Disorder, I’ve made no secret of this. But in saying that, I’ve only had 2 panic attacks at work since starting nearly 3 months ago. TWO. Both of which were short lived, and did not effect my job performance or duties. As they were happening I simply took a moment out, got a hold of myself, and went back. It was no big deal. Or so I thought…

It turns out my coworkers have been going to my manager with all sorts of stories. He heard from someone that I “threatened to quit if I don’t get more hours” (definitely didn’t happen), and that I “wanted fewer hours” from someone else. Someone said I was “too emotional and easily overwhelmed” (again, 2 panic attacks in 3 months- that’s a huge step for me), and someone else wants to keep me off busy shifts.

Now, I left meeting with two main thoughts: 1. I’m working in a gossip driven environment where anything and everything one says will be misconstrued and twisted, leaving me with no desire to ever have a discussion with anyone there ever again; and 2. I’m once again being slapped in the face with the reality of my standards vs their standards. What I see as accomplishments, they see as failures.

I’ve long ago accepted the simple fact that my life and accomplishments will be on a different scale from the societal norms, but I continue to struggle with how to find my fit in the larger picture. How do I find success and a sense of purpose when opportunities crash with the disparity? Because while my achievements are enough for me, they’re meaningless to them. And to survive in this world it feels like I need to reach their level. Is there truly a way to manage expectations when it comes to employment?

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Road Trip America

After a long, arduous winter a friend and I have decided to take a little time out this summer and do a mini US roadtrip. Nothing major. One week, traveling from Niagara to Savannah. It’s a 2 day drive, so we’ll head down to Virginia on day one, and then continue onto Savannah on day two, where we’ll stay for a few nights. We’ll take an alternate route home, stopping for a night and half day in Washington DC before heading home. It should be a ton of fun, and we’re really excited!

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Since money is tight, we’ve decided we’re going to try and raise the money needed for the trip in a few different ways. We have a GoFundMe page for anyone who might wish to simply donate to the cause. We’re also holding an online rummage sale, with over 100 items available, and at the end of the month we’ll be holding a yard sale (more info coming soon).

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After only just a couple of days we’ve been able to raise nearly $400! The trip itself will cost about $1000, if we’ve budgeted correctly: $190 for a rental car, $250 for gas, $175 for hotels, $250 for food, $40 alt transportation, $100 buffer.

I said I wanted to go somewhere this year that I’ve never been, so I’m really looking forward to this. I’ve heard great things about Savannah! It sounds like it’ll likely been painfully hot and humid, but we’ll survive!

If you’re able to donate or grab a rummage sale item, we’d really appreciate it. There’s even some fun incentives for those who donate:

$10 Donation: A shoutout on our blog, Facebook, and Twitter.

$25 Donation: A thank you card that we’ll make ourselves and mail to you! Each card will be designed by us, and include a little something special.

$50 Donation: All of the above, PLUS we’ll Photoshop you into some of our photos. It’ll be just like you’re there with us!

$100 Donation: All of the above, PLUS you’re very own custom embroidered wall hanging from Mommy’s Lil Monkey.

$150 Donation: All of the above, PLUS an invitation to hang out with us on one of our future adventures.

$500 Donation: OUR SOULS.

Regardless of whether or not you’re able to contribute, please stay tuned for updates on our trip. I’ll be posting a ton from the road! We plan to hit every wacky water tower, world’s largest ball of twine, moth man museum, and buffet that America has to offer on our route. It should be quite the adventure!